Freebird, Lightening Bolts and a Forty-Four Magnum

Getting older is both a blessing and a curse. I have been cursed with some not-so-good health issues this last year. Just like “....the Bastards....” I refuse to let them get me down. On the other hand, the blessings are many!

Think about it. As you get older, you can make your child's life a living hell. When my Stepdaughter from the second marriage was waiting on her first date to pick her up, I readied myself for the meeting. I had every large hunting knife unsheathed and placed within my reach on the couch. I also had every firearm within reach as well. My Ruger, Super Redhawk, .44 Magnum, fitted with a 2-to-1 Leopold scope was ready and on the coffee table. I had been cleaning it and awaited the arrival of the boy to complete the cleaning as I spoke with him. Six rounds of rather large, impressive looking .44 Mag cartridges were near the revolver cleaning area. The doorbell rang! Time for my plan to unfold.

I opened the door to find a young man of very slight build and less than normal stature for his age. He introduced his self then I shook his hand and deliberately did not give him my name. I simply turned around without saying a word and sat down on the couch in the middle of all my guns and knives. I looked up to find he'd stepped into the apartment only far enough to see that I was surrounded by as many weapons as he'd seen in his lifetime outside a sporting goods store. I just waved my hand towards a recliner without uttering a sound. He quickly took the seat he was offered and began to speak nervously about how he was happy to finally meet me and how much he liked my Stepdaughter and how he planned on treating her with respect and on, and on, and on! I lifted my hand with a single outstretched finger. He immediately stopped speaking in the middle of a word. I picked up the Super Redhawk and polished on it's stainless steel surface for just a second then began placing the cartridges into the cylinder slowly and deliberately. His eyes were as big as dinner plates and I noticed he was holding his breath. I finished loading the revolver and looked up at him as I closed the cylinder into the frame of the massive gun. As the cylinder clicked into place, I said my first words to him since he arrived. I asked, “Now. What time did you say you were going to have her back home?” Long story short. He brought her home an hour and a half early and never called her back. I love it when a plan comes together!

Another incident occurred while I resided in Cheyenne, Wyoming. My two boys were out for a summer visit and we were walking around the Downtown area doing some shopping. There are a couple of intersections which are nearly impossible to cross certain times of the day and we were standing at the crosswalk of one during the lunch rush-hour. Between turning cars and others running red lights, we had been standing there for three traffic light cycles (Red-yellow-green) when I got too impatient and told them to follow me. The light turned yellow and I just stumbled onto the street walking with a pronounced “spastic” gate and posture. I could hear screeching tires the whole time I walked across the busy intersection. I got to the other side safely and without a scratch and turned around to find my boys had walked to the corner diagonally from me and would not acknowledge me calling out to them. I miss those days of embarrassing them at every turn! What fun it was!

I anticipate this upcoming Christmas Shopping Season with baited breath. One of the things I have found to occupy myself with in the mall is finding the Santa Photo area. I like to camp out there. Not because I'm a Perv but because it can be fun to ruin a parent's afternoon. Hear me out. There are ages when babies' dispositions and toddlers' moods may be altered with minimal effort. You know those ages if you've raised more than one child yourself. I like to find one of these children and take a stance directly behind the parent and photographer. I like to get the child's attention and begin acting like I'm starting to cry. The child will always notice this (I don't know why) and begin to make the dreaded crying pout. The parent and the photographer always compound it by getting louder when this begins and the variance of their vocal timbre inevitably pushes the child over the edge into a crying fit that cannot be easily halted. I love it! It may be noted here that my Fiancee says that I'll be struck with a lightening bolt directly in the top of the head one day for all the things I do. R-i-i-i-i-i-i-g-h-t!

Another one of the things I find amusing is riding by large gatherings with the windows down. As I near the crowd of people, I begin to blow the horn and start shouting “John!” or “David!” or “Amy!” over and over as I wave emphatically at the crowd. If you're lucky someone in the crowd will wave back at you and wonder who it was that was waving at them for at least the next week. If not, at least they'll all be wondering just who the hell you were for quite a while.

For all the men reading this there are some things you might want to try the next time you find yourself shopping with the family. If you have a teenager that is giving you grief, tell them quite loudly so that everyone nearby hears it that if they don't settle down and leave you alone, you'll pick them up and throw them over your shoulder and carry them around the store. As soon as they make some comment then turn around, ambush them and throw them over your shoulder and start walking. Be sure to hold on tight as they may try to get away from you. They'll behave the next time you're with them in the store.

Have you ever “lost” your spouse while shopping? You know? You gravitated towards Sporting Goods, Tools or Electronics while she shopped for a new brazier. You were done listing things on your Wish List and tried to find her where you left her only to find she'd wandered off. You then decided to send her a text asking her where she was to which she never answered. When you find yourself in this circumstance, do this. Start running up and down every isle yelling to the top of your lungs this one, simple word. “MOM!” When she finds you, as loudly as you can, tell her you're going outside, getting into your pickup truck, smoke a joint and finish your beer.  As soon as you finish the word "beer", take a good, deep breath, lean right up into her face and begin singing Freebird as loudly and as off-key as possible. Don't be surprised if she tells you she'll catch a ride home. Either way. You're free to leave and go to your favorite bar or hospital, depending whether she knocks the hell out of you with the new iron skillet she picked up to buy. Are you getting all this?

Another thing that's really fun to do is sit or stand very still and look very sad somewhere near a heavily trafficked area. When someone sits or stands next to you and begins to talk to you, look up at them as shocked as you can. When they notice your expression, tentatively whisper to them with a shocked stutter, “Y-You can s-s-see m-me?”. If they answer you, run away from them as quickly as you can. This one's always a winner while waiting on someone at the airport! Be on the lookout for plain-clothes security or men in white coats if you do.

I realize these types of things are a far cry from the old, “Do you have Prince Albert in a can?” prank phone calls that were popular in my very early years. The point is as you get older, people tend to cut you more slack and overlook the things you do for which a younger man might get arrested. I still get a chuckle when I see the picture of the old lady in a rocker, smoking a joint and flipping the photographer off! I enjoy these times of unbridled, uninhibited freedom. I've worked hard for them. If you're like me, over half-a-century old and crazy as Hell, never miss an opportunity to try and make someone think or laugh. Both thinking and laughing are good for people these days. Even you!

Until next time.

Toodles!